To Have Lost
by NCISgirl1527
Summary: "The most famous line from the poem is: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," Stella told him.-Stella Comforts Don after the events of Pay Up. Stella/Don friendship


This is total randomness that takes place after Pay-up. I don't know why I wrote it. It disregards everything after Pay-Up for the most part.

_**Spoilers: Epilogue, Pay-Up, Heroes**_

_**Disclaimer: It is not mine and it never will be.**_

"I hate this," Don muttered under his breath. He did not expect an answer because there was no one there to here him. He had shut them all out since Jess had died. He did not think that he could take dealing with anyone else.

"I know you do," a soft voice told him.

Don did not need to look to know that Stella was standing behind him. "What are you doing here?" he asked her almost angrily. He had gone all the way across town so that he would not have to deal with any of the team.

"Why do you think I'm here?" she asked gently.

"I don't know," he said dully.

"I think you do," she told him. "Jess dies and you disappear for a month without making contact with any of us. You walked away after the bar shooting."

"No one was killed," Don told her his voice still completely devoid of emotion.

"That's not the point," Stella told him trying to keep herself from getting angry with him.

"Then what is the point?" he asked hoping that he would leave him alone.

"That is the point Don," she told him, "you pushed everyone away."

"No one needed me," Don replied vaguely staring at his hands.

"They needed you," Stella told him angry. "Your best friend was in the hospital and his wife and a very young child. You left them behind and she got to explain to him why his best friend was not there to help. You left Mac and Adam both wondering what they had done wrong. It was all Mac and I could to hold the team together. We nearly broke, Don. Adam has started helping out with Lindsey so that she can get at least some sleep."

Don looked at her, but she did not stop. "I don't know what we did you, but I hope we can fix it. The team needs you." That was where she stopped. Not because she wanted to, but because she was not sure that her voice would hold out. She closed her eyes and pressed her face into her hands. That was when he got it. He had made things worse not better by disappearing. He didn't know what he had been thinking or why he had let it get this far but now it was time to fix it.

"Look…" He started hesitantly laying a hand on her arm and taking it as a good sign that she did not throw it off, "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," she replied automatically.

"No," he told her firmly, "It's not. I screwed everything up. I guess that after Jess's death I tried to pull myself away from everyone so that I would never have to go through that again."

"We've all had our share of relationships that ended in pain," she reminded him.

"I know that," he told her, "I just didn't think." There was silence for a moment then he asked another question, "Is it worth the pain?"

"To love someone?" Stella clarified.

"Yea," Don replied.

"Defiantly," Stella told him, "Have you ever heard the poem 'In Memoriam'?"

"Um no," he answered confused.

"The most famous line from the poem is: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," Stella told him. Don looked at her for a moment so she started to explain, "We've all had relationships, both good and bad. Mac had Claire and Peyton. Danny had Aiden and has Lindsey. I had Frankie and Drew."

"How many of those ended in pain?" Don asked her.

"All of them except for Danny and Lindsey," Stella relied cautiously.

"Do you think it would be better if you had never met those people?" Don asked her.

"No," Stella said so quickly that Don stared at her, "I don't think that Mac or Danny or would trade the time they spent with Claire and Peyton and Aiden for anything. Yea it hurt, but life has a tendency to hurt sometimes."

"Yea it does," Don muttered, "What about Frankie and Drew?"

"I had bad times with Frankie, but I also had good times," She reminded him. Don opened his mouth to speak, but Stella cut him off. "You are going to ask me if I wish I had never met Frankie, and the answer is yes. The same goes for Drew, but I didn't know then that they were going to—"

"Try and kill you," Don finished for her.

"Yes, but if you don't try you will never know," Stella told him. "You and Jess had good times, and you shouldn't trade those memories for the world."

"Yea," Don told her, "I think you are right."

"I know I am," Stella told him. "We risk our lives for this city everyday. Eventually one of us is going to die. First it was Aiden and now it is Jess. Tomorrow it could be me. That is the sad fact."

"I know," he said looking at her.

"You can't change that by shutting us out," Stella told him, "we are a team and there is nothing you can do about that because I am not going to let this break us apart."

There was silence for several moments before Don spoke, "Thank you, for coming after me and not letting me do anything stupid."

"That's what friends do," she said shrugging.

"Really good friends," he told her pulling her into a hug.

"You ready to come home?" she asked him.

"Yes, I think I am," he replied.

"Good because you've been missed."

So how was it? I really like the quote Stella used. I don't know why but I do.

'_**It is better to have lost and lost than to have never loved at all'**_

_**Please Review.**_


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